System Restore

Had to take our computer in last week and do a "system restore." The techs remove everything from the hard drive and restore the original settings. It's up to me to try to replace all the software and gadgets I had added to my desktop over the years.

Seems like I've been doing a system restore on my soul also. Several years ago many of my established roles "crashed" and I was forced to start my life again, from scratch. I've been rebuilding ever since. The goal is to rebuild myself (or my computer) more intelligently. To use my hard-won knowledge to create a higher functioning system.

When I turned on my "restored" computer yesterday, my desktop was eerily empty. I still don't know where many of the files are hidden. There seems to be much work ahead and it is my least favorite activity. For me, working with technology can often feel like "one step forward, two steps back." But I know this isn't really true. Slowly, I fight the waves of Life's inertia and hack away. Using mysterious software and hardware, I work to create messages of meaning. Miraculously, I build a blog. I build a website.

Rebuilding my computer or myself will take time. But I know that eventually good work comes. Sometimes there are faster solutions (I could have simply bought a new computer). But despite the frustrations of growth, I now trust Life's methods. Progress requires my tenacity and hard work, and my trust and patience. Having these, I find great beauty in working within Life's flow and making slow but steady progress.
© 2009 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved
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Blind But Now I See

How can I be so blind to my own personality?

I am almost 50 years old and yet it was only yesterday that I more fully saw and understood the “gold” in my shadow.

I’m feisty. Competitive. Ambitious. Painfully honest (sometimes). These qualities give me tremendous drive and passion. They also can seem “not very nice.” Especially for a woman.

Yesterday I “got it.” How I’ve “split off” those “not good” parts of myself. How much more powerful would I have functioned, as a theatre director/producer, if I had embraced these traits, instead of driving them underground?

How do we discover the truth about our own nature?

For me, it has been the willingness to keep an open mind, to watch outer events, and to pray for guidance. I’m fascinated and overwhelmed by how God, the Unconsious, the High Self (whatever name you use), eventually brings the hidden to light.

All mysteries are slowly revealed. All oppositions ultimately transform themselves into (unforeseen) solutions.© 2009 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved
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