The Power of Church

I have found a new church. Is it a good omen that this scares me half to death? (Aside: writers aren’t supposed to use such clichés but I’ve journaled this phrase twice this morning. What does it mean? I’m not scared to a full death but “half to death.” I’m scared just enough for my ego to be moved (by fear) from psychological center-stage to the side. Now my habitual, unconscious habits and dynamics can overtake me in this vulnerable state, or, if I’m wise, I can yield to the brilliance of my Higher Self.)

But back to this church. It is a radically inclusive community but I’m still afraid I don’t belong. That I will be judged. This terror comes, not from the community itself, but from my own deep woundedness. But perhaps my terror of judgment is actually a projection of my own judgment of Christians and Christianity. Is that why I felt so comfortable (yet unfulfilled) with the Unitarians? We shared an anger towards right-wing Christianity. Have those feelings morphed in me to include all Christians? One of Jung’s many gifts to me has been his writings on the toxic nature of normative Christianity. The tragedy of our modern age is that so many of us (in the West) have become estranged from our mythological home (Christianity). It is an excruciating existential trauma.

But what I’m really exploring this morning is my own fear. Fear of judgment, fear of my own prophetic gifts. Fear of stepping into my own power. Fear of the power of the church to transform me. © Lewis-Barr 2009
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A Nudge from my Higher Self?

What does it mean when I go unconscious (“unc” as hubby says) and “forget” something? We brought our car into the shop last night. Both Rick and I didn’t make the connection that I was working today and would need the car. My schedule is very flexible so there wasn’t a big problem but I wonder: what is my unconscious doing, or trying to tell me in this event? Just like lost car keys or paperwork, my ego couldn’t access the vital information even as Rick and I discussed our week. Instead of an “aha, I can’t bring in the car and go to work with it” moment, my ego “was kept” in the dark by another part of me. This caused me some inconvenience. Instead of a simple flow into work or staying home, I was disjointed, thinking I was going to work and then needing to regroup, make phone calls and stay home.

Is this all specifically symbolic or is my Greater Self just nudging my little self and saying, “You think you’re in the driver’s seat but you’re just a passenger that sometimes helps navigate the ship.

How do you understand these everyday hiccups and mishaps? © Lewis-Barr 2009
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Story of the "Cracked Pot."

I heard this lovely story over the weekend. It is a wonderful reminder that our flaws are often the source of our greatest gifts. If we can be honest with ourselves and accept our less than perfect traits, we may also come to realize that even our shortcomings can lead to beauty and distinction.

A water-bearer carries two large pots on a yoke across his shoulders up the hill from the river to his master's house each day. One has a crack and leaks half its water out each day before arriving at the house. The other pot is perfect and always delivers a full portion of water after the long walk from the river.

Finally, after years of arriving half-empty and feeling guilty, the cracked pot apologizes to the water-bearer. He is miserable and says, "I'm sorry that I couldn't accomplish what the perfect pot did."

The water-bearer says, "Why are you apologizing?"
"After all this time, I still only deliver half my load of water. I make more work for you because of my flaw."

The man smiled and told the pot. "Take note of all the lovely flowers growing on the side of the path where I carried you. The flowers grew so lovely because of the water you leaked. There are no flowers on the perfect pot's side."

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Waking Up

In my recent post, I wrote of the delay between the beginning of a feeling or thought and our conscious awareness of it. Ironically, I was about to have that “realization-emerges-from-the-darkness” experience myself.

I was in a foul mood last week. Unfortunately, my hubby Rick was also in a bad mood. This led to some testy moments. As the evening wore on, we both retreated with a journal and began to write (one more connection with last week’s post). We both began tracking back through our day, trying to determine what triggered us. I knew I was upset with my cousin. But why? I didn't know. My anger was hot but I couldn't tell you the why of it. Finally, unable to determine a trigger, I thought, “We just don't get along, that's that.” I let my anger cool and had a satisfying end of the evening with Rick.

The next morning, while walking Sophie (my “aha” moments usually happen when I'm walking or taking a shower), I “suddenly” realized that I was angry about an email from my cousin. My message to him expressed some sadness and he had responded with several jokes. Click. That was it! The insight snapped into place. I had felt ridiculed. Now, what to do about it?

But first, a few other thoughts. Without this insight, I had no responsible course of action. I was angry--but why? Without a why, I could only be angry. Second, in the paragraph above, I put suddenly in quotes because I wanted to show that another part of me had known all along. Only the “I” of me, my ego-self, was out of the loop and suddenly understood. The rest of me already knew--and was reacting.

Now, what to do. My choices: do nothing or say something. I decided to let my cousin know that I had been expressing sadness in the email (maybe he didn't know this) and I wasn't happy with his response. This was, at least, the beginning of our dialogue. I still felt a lack of trust between us (based on our history) but I could at least share my perceptions with him. He could examine his reactions (or not). A true reconciliation could develop (or not). In this moment, I’m simply grateful I realized the message of my feelings.
© Lewis-Barr 2009
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Research Says--Some Anger Good for You.

I’ve been writing about anger lately and was sent a terrific article on the subject. Confirmed my bias. Would I post it if it didn’t? Subtitled—“Repressing emotions leads to unhappiness, says Harvard psychologist,” you can read the entire article here.

The article says that while uncontrolled anger is never beneficial (for the giver or receiver), balanced expressions of anger can strengthen relationships, provide focus, and keep us healthier.

To live healthy, honest lives, we must find ways to acknowledge (even honor) all parts of ourselves. © Lewis-Barr 2009
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Healthy vs. Neurotic Suffering

I'm in the midst of a mid-life renaissance. After years of frantic feelings, dashed dreams, and mystifying mishaps from without and within, I finally feel "in flow." This does not mean that life is easy. I struggle against my fears every day. But I sense a difference between the old struggle and this one. My previous life was filled with a "flaying around." I was constantly striving to achieve against endless obstacles. Today, I still have goals but they seem given, not chosen. When I finally surrendered my cherished dreams (to win the Pulitzer or become a famous theatre director), I was reborn to a new life, without my Ego's agendas. Suddenly, instead of throwing myself against metaphorical brick walls, new doorways opened. I felt like a teenager, suddenly awash in thrilling challenges that tested my abilities.

Before, my mind obsessively circled my fears. Today, I still suffer from fear but now, instead of constant worrying, I step into the rapids and let both fear and excitement wash over me. Instead of trying to control the waves--I'm riding them. Now, each moment both lingers and rushes past filled with millions of fresh and intoxicating ideas. I feel pulled toward a mysterious destiny that I still don't understand-- but trust more and more. I find that the great Taoist sayings are true: more gets done when we surrender and let ourselves be carried by our unique Fate.

How do you deal with worry and fear?

© Lewis-Barr 2009
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More Thoughts on Anger

In my previous post, I asserted the importance of acknowledging anger as vital to our health and central to self-knowledge (emotional literacy). But it is complicated. How do I honor my anger but still create more compassion in myself and in the world? Until recently, these felt like mutually exclusive mindsets. I'm only now beginning to reconcile my internal split--between the positives and negatives of my Midwestern upbringing. I'm relearning a spirituality without succumbing to a little-girl piety. My piousness may have looked good to my neighbors but it also repressed and distorted my true spirit.

With time, I gain more perspective on the pendulum swings of my inner journey. If I was the overly sweet girl who lacked basic self-knowledge and assertiveness, I grew into a tough woman who lost track of the tenderness in myself (for more on this, see my recent review of the movie “Wall-e). I see this same split or swing in others. The challenge is to both allow anger while not becoming overwhelmed or obsessed by it. An Olympian task! Still, to live fulfilling lives where we nurture ourselves and others, we must learn to walk this razor-edge.© Lewis-Barr 2008
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Anger--The Great Taboo

While I’ve never lived in another country, I have lived for long periods in the Midwest and California. As I moved from one region to another, I felt a seismic shift between two cultures that seemed radically different in their approach to emotions. Were my encounters atypical? Perhaps. Still, as I contemplate my 20-year study of the “inner life,” I’m fascinated by the differences I found—especially regarding anger.

At 26, I left the Midwest (and the Catholic Church) and moved to California. I began a 10-year odyssey, exploring theatre arts, psychology, and “consciousness studies” in Berkeley, San Francisco, and other mind-bending communities. I was surrounded by groups who explored their emotions without dodging the great taboo—anger. With talented professionals and earnest friends, I intrepidly began to explore my own inner minefield--sore spots, wounds, (complexes for the Freudian/Jungians out there) and springs of anger.

When I returned to the Midwest I, felt immediately disoriented. My family and friends seemed to have a radically different set of norms. While I had painstakingly learned to identify my feelings and gently admit them to others—now even the slightest acknowledgement of anger seemed to threaten my companions. All my hard-won inner knowledge and commitment to honest communication was suddenly destroying a fragile emotional ecosystem I no longer understood (or appreciated).

I’ve been back in the Midwest for 12 years now, longer than the time I spent in exotic California. I continue to explore my own inner landscape and the taboo of anger. In my workshops, it seems to be the emotion that most haunts my participants, especially the women. When I discovered the field of emotional intelligence, I was grateful for its validation of my own beliefs—that anger was a necessary emotion that should be examined, not repressed.

Have you experienced cultural differences regarding comfort with different emotions?
© Lewis-Barr 2008
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Finally saw "Wall-e." Wow!

I finally saw the movie “Wall-e.” (Spoiler alert—discussion of movie themes follow.) It is a fabulous meditation on learning to love and balance our work (our "directive") with love. Why was I so affected by the struggles of two robots? Both characters felt deeply true to me—both expressed a deep archetypal dimension of modern life.

The bumbling, trembling Wall-e reminds me that heroes can be (and often are) afraid. His example calls me to act courageously (writing a revealing blog post) despite my own terror. Wall-e’s selflessness and generosity also inspired me. No matter the circumstance, this tender hero would introduce himself and learn the name of each character he meets. Could I also spread more love into the world through simple kindness and attention to others?

Eve is a tough-minded probe: she shoots first and asks questions later. I’m struck by the familiar archetype and irony of it--the sleek, efficient, working woman in charge of finding/restoring life is a sterile machine without any warmth herself. How familiar to me! I see myself and many other modern women--cut off from our natural tenderness. We serve our directives and nothing else—our machine-like precision focused on an ideal of house, family, and job. Like Eve, I have a powerful dedication to my vocation that can sometimes overwhelm other parts of my life. How fortunate that Wall-e pursues her. As I watched Eve soften and discover love, I felt myself soften.

Wall-e and Eve are both wonderful and flawed—just like all real people. Eve will probably always be a workaholic but Wall-e loves her despite (or maybe because of) this trait. One of the most moving moments of the movie is when Wall-e insists that Eve continue her work, despite his great need for her help. He is acting from principle, seeking the greatest good for the world, but he is also loving Eve in a remarkable way. He is supporting her to follow her own powerful instincts—to be her true self. That’s love.

In Wall-e, both characters refuse conformity and fight for their own unique paths in their work and in love. I’m reminded to do the same.

What movie has inspired you?

© Lewis-Barr 2008
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Our Better Selves

I watched the inauguration today with over one hundred college students gathered around a small television on campus. Although we were euphoric, I was still surprised by the spontaneous applause. We weren’t at a live event and yet we clapped to the tv throughout the ceremony. There was even a prolonged applause at the end of Obama’s acceptance speech. We obviously weren’t clapping for the speaker, we were clapping for ourselves. We needed to express our gratitude and jubilation.

Experiencing and watching the intense emotions of today, I’m reminded that the “King” archetype is a symbol of the Self. Is that why millions of us are awestruck by this President? In addition to his archetypal effect, President Obama is brilliant at helping us feel good about ourSelves, and calling us to be our best Selves. Is this why much of the country is completely infatuated with him?

Lewis-Barr 2009
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Sitting on the deck of a cruise ship

Woke this morning with a dream of being on a cruise. It was the 2nd or 3rd day and I was savoring the moment in the most profound way. When I woke, I wondered how I could do that same, deep relishing of the present—the feeling I have when on vacation-- in my daily life. Part of the challenge is that I am always striving, which pulls me out of that sacred savoring.

Is it the effect of the dream that all morning I’ve felt like I’m on a cruise? Very strange and wonderful. I’m not closing my eyes, so I do see the snowy streets out the window, but over that scene I’m looking at rolling waves and endless blue. It is quite fantastic to take that kind of vacation today and to relearn peace and contentment. © Lewis-Barr 2009
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States of consciousness

I’ve been undergoing some hypnotherapy. In practicing some of the techniques, I’m learning more about states of consciousness.

Imagine a continuum with your unconscious mind on one side and your conscious mind on the other. Imagine that your ego—i.e. your consciousness of yourself is in the center of the continuum. The end of each continuum might look like this:

Less/no ego-----------------------------------------------------------ego dominated

Here’s how my different states of consciousness might line up along the continuum:

--Hypnosis/dream state drugs meditation workinginflow dailythoughts worries--

I’ve tried to place meditation in the middle because while I’ve experienced it mostly with an “I” (ego) consciousness, I’ve also had moments that transcended my own ego. Now, working with hypnosis, I’m learning to let go of my thinking and go “under” my thinking. I know many meditation teachers talk about this but I never needed or wanted to really go to a place of “no mind.” For me, meditation was a prayerful (even ecstatic) experience of God in my heart. I used a mantra to keep me focused but I had thoughts and many emotional and even body experiences. Tonight’s practice of self-hypnosis was different. I had a profound (and surprising) experience of “no mind.” I watched my thoughts come and go but I wasn’t the thoughts. But even though I was experiencing no-mind I was also using a mantra of a positive suggestion. My goal was to plant a positive thought in the virgin soil of my unconscious mind. But who plants the thought—if not me?

In my deeply relaxed state, this paradox was immaterial.

Another enigma: even as I experienced a place deeper than my mind, I couldn’t will (or even expect) my active and searching mind to shut down completely. I was, after all, curious about this experience and trying to make note of it for later. My mind was also making periodic reminders about other issues of the day. But this time I didn’t run with the thoughts. I trusted that I could let them go without losing them. I returned to my positive mantra and a place beyond me.

This was different from my wonderful experience of prayer/meditation-- a refuge of rejuvenation, insight, revelation, inspiration, and peace. Tonight was what I’d heard Buddhists talk about.

For many months now I’ve been meditating upon slowly waking up. It has been a wonderful gift to have that time to shift very slowly from unconsciousness to consciousness. Sometimes I will remember a dream and work on it. Sometimes I will have a spontaneous realization about my life. Often times I will just sit in a kind of half-sleep stupor and eventually do some writing as my consciousness comes to the fore.

Yesterday I decided to try self-hypnosis in the morning just as I awoke. What better time to do the programming, yes? But a strange thing happened. When I tried to do the positive mantra (I skipped the preliminary relaxation process thinking that, half asleep, I hardly needed it) I felt unable. The direction was wrong. What I’ve enjoyed so much in the mornings is the sacred experience of gradually linking unconsciousness to consciousness. Of hearing God’s voice through the darkness of what is “not ego.” Is it one experience to start with ego and descend into no-mind and another to come from no-mind into mind? Seems to me that these two directions are complementary but different. And they don’t seem interchangeable.

These experiments show me the mystical marriage of mind and no-mind. I have felt the sacred harmony of their union. Simply living in one frame or the other doesn’t work. Of course we all know that-- but my experiences of hypnosis, meditation and Jung, are changing me experientially, not theoretically.
© Lewis-Barr 2009
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Life's secret ingredient.

I have a stomachache. Despite decent ingredients, my stew today was a flop. How can I save the ample leftovers and convert them into something more edible? Should I add some layers of cheese? Cheese saves almost anything.

What is the secret missing ingredient in my own life? What will convert all my past endeavors and failures into a cohesive and meaningful whole?

Jungian work, meditation, surrender, exploring the Tao-- these are sources of my soul's nourishment. These practices help me begin to find flow, meaning, and cohesion.

© Lewis-Barr 2008
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Why?

This morning I had planned to get my yearly blood test at a lab 15 minutes from home. But I was resistant. My days away from the office are sacred and my routine is precious to me. I meditate, have breakfast, meditate some more and write. It is a peaceful, joyful time. The blood work would completely interrupt my morning. I had to go immediately because these tests required fasting. I couldn’t have my morning coffee until I fulfilled this duty.

It was also extremely cold. I dressed and started the car but my mind continued its debate. I didn’t want to leave the warm cocoon of my morning. Especially not to fight traffic and get stuck by a needle in my vein! Why did I have to do these stupid tests anyway? Maybe I could wait until spring when the roads were clearer and the temperature above freezing? My doctor wouldn’t know and I’m a very healthy person…..

In my mind, I could see my mother, shaking her head. I was being a big baby. Go do the test. It’s once a year and not such a big deal. You can meditate in the car on the way there and back. Get it done and over with.

In the end, I got in the car and took the test. My second voice was right, it wasn’t a big deal and the results were desirable. Still, my internal debate revealed my dedication to my inner child and her questioning.

My family has always been nervous about my commitment to questioning, “why?” I don’t accept most adult conventions at face value. Does that make me harder to control? Probably. Is that why I’ve been pressured (like most of us) to abolish my childlike openness and the question “why?”

Being an adult shouldn’t only emphasize being “responsible.” It should stress being response-able, that is, being able to respond to life’s changing circumstances. Ironically, when we become adults and stop asking “why” we hinder our response-abilty. Too often we become automatic in our actions and simply follow a herd mentality.

How many of us aren’t living the lives we desire? We say we are forced to race from one activity to the next, short on sleep and a stranger to our loved ones (and ourselves). What would happen if we asked “why?” Why do we need to do what we do? Then, after the adult gives a standard answer, “bills have to be paid,” or “it’s expected,” or “people will think I’m crazy if I don’t do that,” find the child in you and keep asking “why?” Why do you have to pay the bills (in that way)? Why is it expected (and who expects it)? Why do you believe others and what they say? It is only when we begin to question our assumptions about life that we can make choices from our heart.

Despite my family’s fears, I don’t always give into my desires. This morning, the parental voice made the most sense. But other times, when I follow my intuition and the needs of my sensual self, circumstances usually arrange themselves ideally. When I am in dialogue with both parts of myself, I can find the flow of life, instead of always fighting the currents.

© Lewis-Barr 2008
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Words as Sacred

How do you frame the world in your mind? How do you organize your perceptions? I play with words-the sacramental vessels that create beauty and meaning for me. Others play with visual images, movement, or music. Some organize space or experience the mystical through numbers and formulas. For me, words are the units that create a Universe. (I'm reminded of the ancient Kabbalists who meditated on individual letters and saw these as sacred. Each letter represented an entry into an understanding of God.)

Words float in my mind, seeking order. The words themselves are numinous yet they also seek to be gathered together, to create tiny new worlds of meaning. Placing words in the "right" order is an incredible high-- and my duty.

Imagine each of us pursuing our own mystical medium. Whether vocation or avocation, witnessed alone or shared with others, such a practice would bring joy and healing to ourselves and the world.

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Incubating

I sit in the sun on a warm winter day, soaking up vitamin D and images of blue sky. After a hard work-week, I wait for my conscious and unconscious minds to reconnect-- like lovers who've been apart-these two just want to gaze upon each other, silently. I feel like a third party to this scene, wondering what is happening as I sit doing the "nothing" I've so desperately craved.

I sit while Mind wanders. Although I have many (mostly pleasant) chores that beckon, I ignore them. My most important task is to listen for my soul's voice. I've been too busy to hear its subtle message and now, like an athlete who's had to miss training for a week, I'm hungry to resume meditation.

How lucky to have unstructured time! But it isn't only luck; I've been determined to secure this. I'll downsize if necessary-- to preserve a healthy balance of work and rest. It's vital for my well-being and the discovery of my own genius. Stephen Covey agrees-- taking regular downtime is his Habit 7 - "Sharpening the Saw."

So I sit and let Mind wander. Today it seems that I will never get enough of this "do nothing" time. But I trust the process. My extremely demanding schedule--is that why I seem so starved for quiet? From experience, I know I'll eventually move from "ebb" to "flow." Then I'll have one of my "aha" moments and a seemingly new idea will burst forth.

Meanwhile, I trust and wait. Both Jungian psychology and current brain science suggest that much of our thinking and many of our perceptions happen below consciousness. So, even though I can't know what goes on in these hidden areas of my psyche, I can help myself by believing in what can't be seen or measured. I can help myself by resting and listening to the still, quiet voice inside.

© Lewis-Barr 2009
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Lost

Two myths illumine my path this morning: the stories of the Hebrews wandering lost in the desert (how true that feels of my life!), and the image of a Grail knight lost in a tangled wood.

Today I wake from a dream (or, like one of those knights, an enchantment). These two mythic images give me hope that my longings and confusion will come to an end. I am, I suddenly see, on my own hero’s journey. Each bewildering detour is part of my own sacred labyrinth.

I've been practicing surrender. Is that why I see more clearly today? As I submit to my mysterious fate, I feel a peace, even in the midst of an excruciating loneliness.
©
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The Power of Intention

Sophie wears me down with her focused intention. She wants some people food! She follows me from room to room. At the table, she follows me with her eyes. She is patient. She is vigilant. I forget that I’ve promised myself: I will not add additional treats to her already-doctored food. Her objective is working. Absentmindedly, I take my used plate and mix her dried food into the meat drippings. Sophie has trained me well. She reminds me of the power of tenacity. Sophie is determined and will cajole me until I take her on our daily walk, give her some people food, and tug on her toy. If I can’t (or won’t) accommodate her desires, she may give up momentarily, but she will resume her quest again and again and again. Sophie gets more of what she wants because of her dogged (pun!) persistence.

How much could I achieve if I was half as tenacious as Sophie? © Lewis-Barr 2008
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Conscious Endurance

Yesterday I gave a new training event in EI. Objectively it went very well. But not perfectly. As I collected my materials, I felt a great sense of relief but, if I was honest, I also felt deeply ashamed. I know I’m too hard on myself. I tried to distract myself from these feelings but my conversations with colleagues were filled with self-blame, excuses, and explanations. When I finally went for a walk, my rational mind offered another perspective and proclaimed me “innocent.” My mood improved but I still couldn’t shake a slight feeling of shame, crouched in the back of my mind. Now, the following morning, I try arguing with this old feeling, but it hunkers down. Is there anything more I can do, but endure this strange internal curse? Change takes time. Jung said that we aren’t cured of what ails us; we simply and eventually outgrow our neuroses.

Today I sit with this internal tormentor. I know she’s wrong about me. I can’t be perfect. But I still have to feel her quiet condemnations. I say “feel” because this programming is so deep within me that I only have a very vague sense of shame. Emotional literacy helps me here. If I didn’t recognize the source of this very indistinct mood, it would color all my behaviors and perceptions and I wouldn’t know what was happening. Now I understand: this is an irrational emotion that I must endure.

I am getting healthier—incrementally. I now question these feelings instead of simply living in them. But change takes time. How do you explain the “why” of suffering (“paying karmic debts,” “offering your suffering to Christ,” “building a strong character” etc.)? Whatever the reason for our seemingly intractable inner woes, conscious endurance seems to be a key for healing. I remind myself today that our culture’s promises of quick fixes aren’t true. Change takes time. Endure your inner world and the changes will come. © Lewis-Barr 2008
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